The Adventures of Dunion, the dark Elf!
by the grunt lord
Summary: See the Adventures of Dunion, the dark Elf as he goes through the lands, seeing things unnatural and stupid, helping people from the land! The land is in turmoil! Dunion must stop it, but who is doing this?
1. prolouge

_**The Adventures of Dunion, the dark Elf!**_

_**Prologue**_

"What!?. You want me to do that!" whispered 18 year-old Dunion.

"Yes, you must moon that Orc," replied his sister Jessben.

"But I'll get in trouble! I don't feel like doing this today Sis,"

"Come on, when have things gone wrong?"

Flash back in play 

"Here, hold this!"

"Where did you get this bag of gold coins?"

"I borrowed it,"

Jessben runs away.

"**Halt! You are under arrest male elf**!

"**SIS!**"

Flash back ending 

"Well…"

"Never mind! Remember I'm 25, you're 18! So I'm older so you gotta listen! Remember what mom said?"

"Fine,"

Soooooo, Dunion mooned an Orc. You'd expect the Orc to flip out on him and T-bag him in his ugly rags. Well, some random fag at **fhdsfge** said "Oi, I got's in a idea! Lets make dem ugly Orc's look like sissys so dem' fans aren't all Orcs!" Well, thats dumb. You'd expect dem Orcs.. sorry, I meant 'them', not 'dem'. Anyway you'd think them Orc's would look cool, but their just weak looking fags that are sissys! Anyway back to story.

Just then a random Impimperial guard popped out of nowhere.

"**Halt! In the name of the Impimperial Legion, you are arrested for attempting to moon an Orc without a license! Your sentence is to go stay in prison until you are transported to happy land!**"

"**No!** Anything but that hell hole!" screamed Dunion as he tried to claw his way up tree.

This resulted in only having breaking his nails.

"See you later, brother!" Shouted Jessben as Dunion has carried to his cell while screaming for Mr. Nutkin.


	2. I didn't do it!

The Adventures of Dunion, the dark Elf! Ch. 1 I Didn't Do It! 

"I'm telling you, I didn't do it!"

"Yeah right! Now you just stay here till' we find out your punishment!" Shouted the jailer as he threw the Dunmer into the cell.

"_Well, little does he know I have a lock pick…_", Thought Dunion.

"Oh yea…just to let you know Dunmer, nobody has escaped the Imperial prison for 3 centuries, so don't even try it. **We also execute escaping prisoners on site with mintos!**"

"Darn it!"

Just as soon as the jailer left, he saw another Dunmer at the opposite cell get up and beckon him to listen.

"Hey you, I haven't seen another Dunmer in 50 years! Hey, do you have a sister, or a wife?"

"A sister…", he replied angrily.

''Well guess what? I'm leaving in a few weeks. I think I'll check on her and see how she is. Don't worry; I'll take good care of her. In fact, **I might even ask her to marry me**!", said the Dunmer as he shouted in laughter.

"No! You wouldn't dare!", Shouted Dunion.

Just then a large slam from a door upstairs was heard by the sound of heavy, chain mail boots.

"Hear that? You know fellow Dunmer, you'll never make it out of here! That's right, your going to **DIE** in here! That's the guards, who are coming, **for you!** Muhwahwhahahahaaaaa!"

He continued to laugh like a psychopath for 10 minutes, till' he fainted from being out of breath.

Just then the Emperor and three high-ranking Blades came down to his cell.

"What's this prisoner doing here?! This cell is supposed to be off-limits!" Shouted one of them, which was obvious to tell she was a female Breton.

"A mix up with the watch, I, um, err, aaaa….was playing the PS3!" Stumbled a 50 year-old Redguard.

"I knew the PS3 was bad for _**Oblivion **_characters! Never mind, get that gate open! And you, **prisoner**! _Don't think of doing any funny thingamabobs_!"

He huddled in a corner crying like a baby as they came inside and locked the gate behind them.

"You…I've seen you…from somewhere before…", said the Emperor, in his sparkling clothes that you could see 15 miles away from.

"_Oh no! I hope he doesn't remember the time when my sister dared me to steal his crumpets about a year ago_!" though Dunion, with a scared look.

"Let me see your face…you, are the one from my dreams!"

"I didn't do it! My sister dared me to steal yoerrrrahawahta eh?"

"It seems the Nine Divine has brought your path to entwine with mine. You must follow us, **it is your destiny!**"

"Errrr, ahhhh, I'm not on good terms with the Nine, and, I don't think the Imperial Captain will agree…"

"Imperial Captain and law mumbo jumbo, **I'M THE EMPEROR!"**,

"Err, Emperor, I think that small talk fainted him." Said the younger Redguard.

He pointed to Dunion who seemed to be in a puddle of piss.

"Oh well, take him with us…" sighed the Emperor.

48 Hours later 

"**Halt! In the name of the Impimperial Legion, you are arrested for mooning an Orc without a license! Your sentence is to pay time in happy land!**"

"Wait! No! It wasn't my fault! Let me explai-hey! That was not funny Emperor!", shouted Dunion.

The Emperor laughed hysterically.

"I don't usually talk like that, but you were as deaf as deaf can be. You have also been unconscious for a –",

Suddenly what seemed to be some body parts of green-dyed robed men, flew into the room.

"Ah, those are the assassins of the Mischief Lawn, who have cornered us in this room for 40 hours. Don't worry, my Blades have been protecting us 40 hours straight, and none have died or have been gravely wounded except that annoying female Breton. I think we have killed 500,004.5 of them now, wait, now 500,006! That's a new recorded!",

He suddenly took out a pink diary with pink fur on it, and started scribbling furiously in it.

"Err, Emperor, what is the Mischief Lawn?", asked Dunion with a quote of interest.

The Emperor closed his diary with a look of grave concern.

"I do not have much time", he then handed Dunion the _**Amulet of Pimps.**_

"Why are you giving me this!?.", Dunion replied with confusion.

"Take this, give it to the last heir of the throne, be a cool hero, slay monsters and stuff, and close shut the jaws of _**OBLIVION**_!",

Just then a white Orc armed with a chainsaw jumped through the wall.

"Orc is cool!!!", which he shouted as his war-cry and sliced the Emperor in half as his body rained candy like a piñata, then ran to give Dunion a turn.

Dunion ripped it out of his hands and sliced the Orc instead.

"Hey, Emperor, I fin-", the young Redguard Blade face changed from happy to angry when he came in and saw Dunion on top of the Emperor's torn-up corpse.

"I didn't do it!"


	3. Queens and Piñatas

_**The Adventures of Dunion, the dark Elf!**_

_Ch. 2_

_**Queens and Piñatas**_

**Random Announcer**: We last left our hero with the youngest of the blades and the dead Emperor. Will he get out of this situation?

"WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE WITH OUR PINATA?", Screamed the blade.

"I didn't do anything with the piña-wait a sec… what do you mean by piñata?" questioned Dunion with a sly look.

"Well um….",

"Yes?",

Can you keep a blade secret?",

"Yes!", Dunion crossed his fingers.

"You see, many years ago our king seemed a regular queen. There was also this king that loved her, but she didn't. So he put a magical potion in her coffee. Who ever she kissed she fell in love with. No one knows how, but she fell in love with a piñata. Some say she went to a Mexican Fiesta, but we shall never know…."

"Okay….."

"Say, could you tell me what the emperor's last words were?"

"Okay, I'll do a flash-back with my magical powers,"

WARNING: FLASH-BACK STARTING

**PLEASE WEAR YOUR 3-D GLASSES**

There was a little baby Dark Elf who had a tall pink Mohawk, playing a Nintendo 64.

"Awww, isn't he a cute little baby!" said The blade

"Wwwwhhhhooooaaa, this is a bit too far!

WARNING: FLASH-BACK FORWARDING

**PLEASE TURN ON YOUR CELL PHONES**

"_Take this, give it to the last heir of the throne, be a cool hero, slay monsters and stuff, and close shut the jaws of __**OBLIVION**__!",_

WARNING: FLASH-BACK ENDING

**PLEASE TAKE OFF YOUR 3-D GLASSES, DRIVE HOME DRUNK AND HAVE NICE DAY**

"SOOOOO, he gave you the _Amulet of Pimps_?",

"Yep!",

"Okay, he said give it to the last heir of the throne, I don't know any kid, so you should go see Grand Master Hip,"

"Grand Master Hip?",

"Yep, leader of blades. I can't go with you there, but I could give you the directions,",

"Ah crap, here I go again," sighed Dunion.

_**Five Agonizing days later**_

"Wait, I see a light, **finally**, I'm almost out of this hell-hole sewer!,

"_**GOLLUM! GOLLUM!"**_

"What the hell?",

**Random Announcer: **Oh no! Will our hero get out of this situation? Turn on our next chapter,

_**Ch. 3**_

_**Gollum Fight!**_


	4. Gollum Fight!

The Adventures of Dunion, the dark Elf! Ch. 3 

_**Gollum Fight!**_

**Random Announcer**: We last left our hero lost in the sewers of the Imperial City and being discovered by a hideous creature.

"_We will only let the nasty creature outs if it plays a gameses with us..._" it whispered.

"Who the hell are you?"

"_WE MUST HAVE A YO MOMMA FIGHT PRECIOUS! Gollum...Gollum..."_

"I don't know what your name is, why you want to have a YO Momma fight and why you call me precious, but oh well, as long as a I get out of here!",

"_Your mamas is so ugly, we thought she was an orcses, SO WE BEATS HER WITH A FISH!_"

"Yo mama is soooo stupid, she got ran over…by a parked car!"'

"_Yo mama is so ugly, poor Smeagol crapped his loincloth and fell down __**Mt. Doom**__, nasty little hobbits….WE HATES THEM! WE ALWAYS HATE THEM! FILTHTY LITTLE HOBBITS!! WE WRING THEIR FILTHY LITTLE NECKS! They all lies to us...WE WERE BEST SINGER THERE! STUPID SIMON! WE HATES HIM! WE ALWAYS HATE HIM! Gollum! Gollum!"_

"Uuuuuhhhhhhh…..Your Mama finger so fat, she had to use a Halo©™ as her wedding ring!"

As soon as Gollum heard the words 'Halo©™' and 'wedding ring', he lost it,",

"_Ahhhhhh! Halo©™! It burns us! We must destroy it precious!",_

Gollum ran into the unknown throwing hand grenades madly and mumbling about a Homo kindergarten boy.

_Mental note to self: __**Never**__, take __**Skooma**__ again!_

**Skooma**: This is type of drug, which would be illegal on earth, but it is legal here in cyrondil. It makes the user feel all gigglier then a school girl and happy, warming the insides. It also makes the user look like a babbling idiot.

So ignoring what just happened, our hero climbed out slowly to the end of the sewers, and slowly came out into the light.

Tis' was a beautiful site! Trees and grass swayed with the wind, the lake glittered filled with slaughter fish, a banana was slapping itself in the face, and a pool of ruby blood showing where someone got mugged.

"_Now, according to chapter two, I should go see Grand Master Hip,_",

Dunion took out a map that the young blade gave him. Stupid _**Grunt lord**_, WHY DIDN'T HE MENTION THIS IN CHAPTER 2?!. He's just some stupid wanna-be cool-author!

Back into the story, Dunion unrolled his map and had a look. Well, he tried to have a look. Going through the sewers had gotten the map wet causing confusion.

All that he could recognize was some strange scribbles in a weird language.

WTFIAMLMFAOII 

"_Well, I'm lost in the forest, have no communication with civilization, have no supplies, and no weapons, this sucks monkey crud! _", thought Dunion.

Then he felt something. Something was trying to contact him. Was it something, magical? It felt like a magical power, a power that was in his blood from generation to generation of dark elves. This was no coincidence; all dark elves got this feeling at his age. Dunion then thought he heard something….

"_Dunion…."_

"Huh?",

Dunion looked around, but saw nothing.

"_DDDuuuunnniiiion….",_

For the 50th time in his life, Dunion was afraid. The first thing he became afraid of was global warming at age -500 .

Dunion then felt a chill, a chill that comes when ghost appears.

"_**DUNION**__",_

Dunion screamed like a girl for 5 seconds, then turned around to see the source of the voice.

There, was his Grandpa, Grandpa Feanlos.

"Grandpa Feanlaos?",

"_Yes, it is I. I, by our family ghost ancestors, have elected me to be your ancestor ghost guardian._",

"You're my ancestor ghost guardian?"

"_Yes, when you need advice, you can talk to me with telepathy. When in trouble, you can summon me to fight with you. _

"Ohmygawd!Igotmyownghostancestorguardian thatwillobeymyevery-",

"_**HOWEVER**__, you can only summon me once a day, six days a week. Fridays, you can't summon me or do telepathy.",_

"What do you do on Fridays?",

"_I try to make a world record of slapping a monkey in the face that will send him at 5000 miles an hour,"_

Dunion, not knowing his math or animals, ignored that answer.

"Well, could you help me with something now?

"_Yes?"_

"Could you lead me to Grand Master Hip, leader of the blades? ", "_How about this. I teleport you to him and you leave me alone for the rest of the day, deal?",_

"Deal!",

A purple swirl of mist enclosed Dunion. He felt a gust of air, and started to feel sick. He only felt this way for a minute, and then felt the effects of teleporting over.

"…………………………………………",

sniff

"yuck!",

More sniffing

"Why does it smell _so_ **bad** in here? Dunion got up, looked around, and then cursed.

He was inside the outhouse's storage hole.

After much climbing, cursing, cleaning, and cursing again, Dunion got a look of the territory. It seemed he was at a monk monastery beside a farm and church of a god he couldn't remember. Everything seemed regular. Well, almost everything. There seemed to be a faint sound of horror music(?) coming from nowhere. The monastery head quarters seemed to be covered in toilet paper, rotting form last years Halloween. Dunion took a deep breath, and went inside the large cabin to receive the horrors inside of finding Grand Master Hip………….

**Author's note**: Wow, that felt like it took awhile, bin' a bit busy with schoolwork. Sorry for the previous chapters being cheesy, I kind of rushed them…Anyway, I give big thanks to _**Lord Mandalore**_ for the Gollum's lines, and thanks to _**Enefe**__t_ who gave me some big advice which I appreciate. If you want to see something in the story, or want a new character and what him to be like the way you want in the story, let me know. Please review!


	5. The Horrors of the Monks!

The Adventures of Dunion, the dark Elf!**Ch. 4**

_**The Horrors of the Monks!**_

I refuse to do another disclaimer. You should get the point by now.

**Random Announcer**: We last left our hero to see the horrors of Grand Master Hip's home.

Dunion was horrified at what he saw. Skooma and vodka bottles littered the floor, the smell of sweet smoky cabaña cigars scented the room and piles of dirty underwear were on the furniture.

"Heeeelllloooo? Grand Master Hip? Are you home?",

Dunion looked around the monastery. There seemed to be glass cabinet full of gold trophies, armed to the teeth with dust on the first floor.

Dunion went up to the second and final level of the building, and had a final look.

There was nothing except some beds full of moths and some maggoty food on a table in the corner.

As Dunion went downstairs, he heard the crack of glass under him.

He looked own, and there, was a picture frame.

Dunion picked it up, and wiped the dust of it.

There, was a picture of a two young men and women, in the middle of night, one of the men was riding a horse holding a bundle in his hand, and the other two were standing at the front of a castle.

Before Dunion could have a closer glance at the bundle, there was a large belch from downunder. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH AUSTRALIA!

Dunion proceeded downstairs to investigate. As he searched the room, there was a sudden grunt, and a pile of underwear on a couch became alive!

It came to him, moaning in its underwear language.

"Back monster! Back thou curse ed underwear! They will send it back to eth world and thou shall be destroyed!", shouted Dunion, taking out soap pike from nowhere.

"Why, shuldz zye hic welcome hic yuoz, Black Elf stormcrow?, mangled the monster.

Dunion lowered his soap pike, and focused his eyes on the monster.

It was a man, judging by the paleness, and voice, it was a white Impimperial.

This man seemed to be down on his luck. He was holding a red-bull soda can, had half of his Afro shaved off with some chips in it, dirty stains of all kinds on his clothes and had a large beard and mustache.

"Are you, Grand Master Hip?",

The man could answer no more as he barfed contents of fudge on the floor and fell into unconsciousness.

"Well if I'm going to talk to him, I better get this place cleaned up!",

After much cleaning, the place looked nothing like it was previously; it now resembled a regular monk monastery.

**Random Announcer**: **Congratulations! Your cleaning skill is now level 25! You're now an apprentice of cleaning! Meditate to be cooler!**

After that, Dunion searched through monastery library to summon a female demon that would clean up Grand Master Hip, after all, our hero is straight!

After Dunion dismissed the hot looking French demon, he had a talk with Grand Master Hip.

"Now, before you ask me any questions, I will ask you first,"

Grand Master Hip nodded like a drunk.

"First, why were you drunk? Seconded, did this have to do with the monastery being a mess? Third, where all the other monks? And fourth, did you like the French demon?",

Grand Master Hip coughed, then replied.

"Well, you see I was at a concert of who had the best dance moves. Since I've won the concert 30 years in a row, everyone calls me Grand Master Hip, so just call me that. However, my original name will be kept a secret. But this time at the concert, there was a new guy in town! He bested all my moves, and stole my award! This has greatly upset me, and I have been down for the past 6 weeks. The other monks left to become trained as his apprentices and learn the danceeye way of the homey. And yes, that French demon did cheer me up, though I couldn't understand a word she said.",

"Oh, ahhhh, could you describe me the rival who bested you?",

Grand Master Hip pondered for a moment, and then answered.

"I can't remember his name, but he seemed to be wearing black. Black cape, boots, gloves, shirt, pants and a helmet. He seemed to gasp every sentence,"

"Nope, he doesn't ring a bell.

"Wait a second, why is your _pocket_ bulging?" Grand Master Hip questioned as he stared at Dunion's pocket.

"Oh right! I'm supposed to deliver you this!",

Dunion handed him the _**Amulet of Pimps**_ and told what had happened to the Emperor.

"Oh no, this can't be real, He can't be dead! He shouldn't die! Why couldn't it have been the black guy?!. Quick, press the reset button on this gods-dammed video game and I'll go save him!",

"No we can't, you'll forget about this talk and it'll happen again, we can't do anything about it. Besides, only the author of this story can do that.",

"Then were all doomed! Curse you _**Grunt Lord**_!", screamed Grand Master Hip as he shook a fist at the sky and then started to cry.

Some demon-like-low-laugh was heard in the room.

Silence occupied the room

Dunion decided to break the ice.

"Wait, what about the missing heir?",

"Wait, what? Of course, the missing heir! If we can get him back and give him the _**Amulet of Pimps**_, we'll restore order to the land!",

"Okay, where does he live?",

"He lives in _Ka-Fat_, just West-South of here! His name is Otto Curtsen, and lives as a priest. Hurry up, the_**Mischief Lawn**_ must already know about this! Hurry up before he's assassinated! I'll teleport you there!",

Grand Master Hip took out some magical herbs from a pot and fluttered them around Dunion, and started to chant his magic words.

Nice idea game makers. Just let items of any size or amount fit in anything. Rrrreeeallly realistic…

"_Hastlaty, humtoeinjarong, hunganzo tochanclok Kafatcha frontago_,",

Dunion felt the strange feelings of teleporting as a green mist encircled him, and with a puff, he was gone.

_7 hours ago at Kvatch…_

**Cyrodiil, Ka-Fat**

**May 21****st**

**11:00 AM**

Today was just a regular summer day. Kids were playing in the fields, fathers were sipping beer and chatting at the pubs, mothers were buying goods at the markets, beggars were begging as usual and the _new_ arena, that's right, _NEW_, was having screams of cheers, bloodlust and pain. It seemed as if nothing could go wrong on this summer day….

Or so they thought…

A little Orc named 'Volgthak', was playing in the fields with his undead puppy when he noticed something smelt like a barbecue. Since in _Ka-fat_ everyone knows each other and are generous, the ugly green munchkin ran off to find the source. Getting closer, he noticed his puppy started growl with its skeleton tail down. He ignored his puppy's feelings due to hunger, and continued until arriving at the gate of _Ka-fat_. He saw a man in pink robes muttering some words.

Suddenly, many large towers with candy and flowers on them rose from and around the city, and screams were heard. The man turned around and looked at Volgthak, with a grin, the grin you see on a child abuser. Volgthak was frightened, this man looked really naughty. He was also a Khajiit.

Father told him to not trust cats. Cats were sneaky, with their whiskers, and their yellow eyes, and sneakyness, and their yellow eyes, and their fur.

Before Volgthak could turn around and run, two smaller towers made of candy canes were raised in front of him with a gigantic, vicious blue flame between it. As Volgthak turned around and tried to run, a small blue hand rose out of the flame and dragged him in while he screamed, making him the first victim of _Ka-fat_…

**Cyrodiil, Ka-Fat**

**May 21****st**

**5:00 PM**

Dunion felt the effects start to fade as he appeared at _Ka-Fat_.

Before he could get to his senses, a young dark elf ignoring the laws of speed bumped into him. After the small collusion, Dunion asked what was the matter.

"Hey fellow Dunmer! Watch where you're going! What's the matter anyway? Girlfriend chasing you?",

"N-n-n-n-no. K-k-k-k-Ka-Fat,gaspallingaspflames,many gasp d-d-d-d-d," Stuttered the Dark Elf.

"Dead? I understand about seeing death for the first time, just take a deep breath for a moment brother, and tell me what happened.",

The Elf took a few gasps of air for a moment, and took a breath.

"_Ka-Fat_ is all in flames! Everyone who fought the demons died!",

"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, wait a sec., hold your horsies,"

"I don't think the guards can hold them that long! I'm getting the hell out of here!",

And as soon as he arrived, he ran faster then a speeding arrow out of there. Not like Superman, what kind of _freak_ goes faster then a speeding bullet?

What a retarded super hero.

"_Well, that was short…"_

Continuing on his glorious quest, our hero followed the poor fool's tracks, which lead him to a small camp.

Dunion was horrified at the camp he saw.

Corpses lying in piles, kids crying for their parents, wives mourning for their husbands, homeless people who were already homeless in the first place, and other horrors Dunion could not describe.

"_cough Say, man cough, got any __**Skooma**_?" said a wounded Hippie Wood Elf on the ground.

Dunion, being an Ex-hippie, tried to remember the forgotten language.

"No, man, jumped out on them 2 summers ago,"

"_Bummer…Peace out",_

"Word",

As Dunion continued on his journey, he did not hear the Hippie's response.

_cough fag_

He went up the hill and found a blockade.

If _**it**_, was in a compotation, it would have reached –50 place.

There were 15 guards there and a retarded Red Guard.

They all looked upset, except for the retarded Red Guard, like the moral was gone with the wind.

Dunion had seen this before when he was sentenced to collect candy in Happy Land for a crime.

It brought shivers up his spine, and old memories started to reappear.

One of the guards ran up to him. Judging that he had an aluminum hat instead of the regular helmet, he was a Sarpimp.

"Hey you! Get back! All civilians are to get ready to leave this are, while we buy time with 15 cents!",

"_Arghbarjh skinny lasghjh **CANDY CANE**_!" screamed the retarded Red Guard (errrrr, how about Mr. Red?) as he gnawed on a Long Sword.

"You look like you need help. I have enough experience to fight! Let me join you!",

"NO! Go back and try to help-",

"By the gods! Their coming back!", screamed one of the soldiers as he pointed at a large gate made of all sorts of candy started glowing.

Then, the horrors, popped out.

"_AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!_ I can't take it any more!", and with that, a guard snapped his neck with a paper clip.

_No, it cannot be!_

Yes it was. Thousands, no, _hundreds,_ of Care Bears popped out of the gate, and flung themselves at them!

"Lets show them real _**love**_ Care Bear Brothers and Cousins!", shouted one of them, which was a miniature golden lion.

"No, you will not show love, YOU WILL PERISH!",

With a roar for bloodlust, Dunion took out his weapon, and charged onto the coming swarm.

**Author note**: Sorry for the late update. Now, for those of you who wondered why I put a female demon, it's because it would be sick if it were a male cleaning a male. And I didn't want to describe Dunion cleaning Grand Master Hip… YOU SICK PEOPLE! I HOPE YOU GO TO HAPPY LAND! Well, I've done my job today, now you do yours! **REVIEW**!

"_You review, or Mr. Red kick avocado_!" screams Mr. Red as he continues to gnaw on his Long Sword.


End file.
